Today it’s all about a special topic, love! The complicated feelings we have about love or rather the lack of love in our lives is well documented in songs, movies, or books but we rarely take the time to analyze them better and while those super catchy love songs are very relatable, there are some problems in the way they portray relationships. The truth is that real love is complicated and real-life relationships are hard more often than not. Successful relationships take a lot of patience time and a good dose of setting the right expectations.
So whether you’re now in a relationship or are currently searching for one, sit back, relax and enjoy our list of 15 reasons why people don’t find love.
1. You are looking for the wrong traits
What do you look for when you’re looking for love? Some people even make a list or have a fixed idea about the person they’re going to marry if only he or she would come along. Already the problem with this thinking is that you don’t even realize what’s wrong with a list itself. Many of the traits we usually associate with the perfect partner are actually bad for your relationship. Take for instance, I want a spouse who never complains that can be okay for a while but when things get tough, this person will bottle up their feelings and you won’t have the opportunity to fix your relationship problems, not to mention that good look social status and money might be important for you but if you’re only looking for that, it’s very likely it’s not going to work out so maybe it’s time to look for someone responsible and considerate before cool and hot.
2. You have unrealistic standards
When we first fall in love we invariably only see the good aspects about a person’s personality or their behavior, nothing can be bad about your new girlfriend or boyfriend, right? Unfortunately, this image will start to fall apart after a few months when you realize that they’re only human and that’s what you should be looking for anyway. Setting way too high or unrealistic standards is a way to ensure yourself that you’re never going to find someone. For example, you want to marry a hot billionaire who can fly planes, how realistic is that? In order to find out, take a look in the mirror what do you have to offer? Because a lot of the time, the trouble with people is that they attract who they are, so you might want to look at yourself first in order to find out who might be attracted to you. Not happy with who you are? Well start working on yourself and you might find that one perfect human you’re so desperately searching for!
3. You have low self-esteem
Look it’s not something that you might be willing to admit or even realize but it’s better to be honest with yourself before going on a search for the one. There’s no shame in trying to fix your low self-confidence or how you see yourself. Self-esteem issues usually start in childhood and won’t go away unless you work them out, common signs include the tendency to apologize way too much, poor social skills, not taking credit for your accomplishments, and telling way too many self-deprecating jokes. It can even be bad for your finances since you buy things to impress other people including stuff you don’t actually like. Finding someone won’t fix your confidence issues, it just tricks you into feeling better about yourself since you receive external validation, but be careful not to fall into the trap because you might end up unhappy when the other person fails to meet your validation expectations.
4. You are way too needy
You know that weird feeling of incompleteness most of us feel in times of loneliness and sadness? Neediness is a state of mind in which you feel incomplete and alone and want to fill this need with the validation of another human, most of the time in the form of a relationship. Not being able to deal with some loneliness every once in a while is dangerous for you since there’s no person in the world that will be able to cure the existential void we all carry inside and that’s a fact. Scientists spent a lot of time researching, remember this if you were unhappy before a relationship, chances are you’ll feel unhappy in it after all the butterflies go away. What you need to do is start improving the relationship with yourself and to embrace every feeling you have, dig the reasons and start building the best version of you.
5. You are stuck in the past
Going through a breakup is usually very difficult to do and it’s absolutely normal to feel like you don’t want to date for a while, however, as a relationship expert Barry Selby puts it, this is a valid reason if it’s only been a few weeks or even a month or two. Everyone is different and you can’t really put an expiry date on how long you’re supposed to grieve after all relationship ends, however, if it’s been more than a year and you’re still hung up on that one person or keeping yourself at a distance, you might need to start exploring what’s keeping you back from dating again. Because things might be a little bit more complicated than they seem are, you still hurting and didn’t get the chance to get some closure, maybe it’s time to call that X and set some things straight in order to move on. Do you miss certain things you used to do together? You might find similar traits in someone else. Are you secretly hoping that you’ll get back together and want to make yourself available for the future occasion? Well you know what they say if it’s meant to happen, it’ll happen, why not allow yourself to explore other alternatives in the meantime.
6. You are not actually searching for love
This may sound like a no-brainer, right? Well the truth is most people don’t really know they’re searching for and end up feeling miserable and unhappy for the wrong reasons. Love is a great feeling to search for, and shared love is what most of us aspire to, but stop for a moment and think about it. Are you sure a partner is what you need at the moment? Are you sure you’re putting in the effort to find your significant other? Because being caught in a routine and not stepping out of your comfort zone and out of your friends circle might hurt the ability to find someone to share your feelings with or maybe you’re just looking for a sporadic affection but you don’t really want to invest time and energy into a relationship in which case maybe a dog will do!
7. You don’t love yourself enough
Even if it sounds like an annoying cliche, trust us you have to love yourself to love somebody else. Putting yourself first isn’t selfish and people can exploit this side of you if you’re not careful. Having healthy self-esteem is probably the most underrated trait when searching for love. Many successful people got to where they are because they trusted themselves enough and have a realistic image of who they are, in addition, people find confidence sexy and if you love yourself you’ll make others see how awesome you really are. So next time you go on a date, remember that at the end of the day your relationship with yourself is the longest and most important relationship you will ever have, so you’d better start liking yourself and cheer for yourself a lot more from now on.
8. You don’t work on yourself
Remember that validation thing? Look we all want to be praised respected and admired. We want people to notice things about us but sometimes this need is taken to an extreme, oftentimes we worry so much about what others think that we do nothing or not enough for ourselves plus it’s very convenient just to sit around and complain about not finding someone because it’s not you, it’s them. Again it’s hard to work on yourself but in the end it is so worth it you don’t even have to change many things since you can prioritize different aspects such as your job, a fitness regimen or becoming more social, and even if you don’t get into a relationship, think of the rewards you’ll reap later on like a better job, maybe a greater career perspective ahead or networking, because at the end of the day it all comes down to improving yourself and while staying in the comfort zone is nice, all the fun and excitement happens outside of it.
9. You are always looking for the next best thing
Sure it’s okay to be picky sometimes and why should you settle for less than you deserve. Again it all comes down to expectations and has to do more with our consumerist culture than you’d expect. We have countless dating sites like match.com or apps like tinder that offer us access to as many people as you want yet how many of them actually bring people together especially with apps you’re always browsing swiping or scrolling and end up dissatisfied with everyone you meet? This creates a vicious cycle since you’re hopping from one date to another and never let actual feelings take shape. You don’t have to like every single person that you go out with but giving someone a chance for once can actually result in lasting love. Just slow down for a bit when it comes to love especially if finding the one is your goal at the moment.
10. You don’t know what to do with your life
This one is tricky because many people don’t actually know what they want to do in life. The problem with this is you waver between things, avoid making decisions, and having no direction can be bad for your love life too, plus having goals and the actual pursuit of them can make you very attractive and that is a fact. The basis of a healthy relationship is often two people who have their own life to live, also be very mindful of the balance between pursuing your goals and finding a partner as they sometimes complement each other and who knows maybe deciding to become a freelancer or moving to a different city will lead you to meeting your soulmate, not to mention that it will raise your standards and you’ll start attracting even more interesting people and if you want to move to another place on earth, make sure to check out our article on 10 most beautiful islands in the world to get some inspiration for your next escape.
11. You don’t prioritize love
It’s all great if you don’t actually want a relationship and mean it. Oftentimes we are asked why we are single, we give the half-hearted too busy with work excuse but in reality the excuse is very valid nowadays, people work long hours and cram their schedule with all kinds of activities, what you don’t realize is that if you want to find love, you’ll actually have to invest in it. That means spending time with someone and genuinely getting to know people. We all know those people that check their phones constantly while on a date or end up ghosting you because they don’t want to do anything to make it work, but avoiding love when you really want it is a way of self-sabotage and making excuses like being too busy for it might actually cover up for other insecurities, and hurt you face when trying to move into a relationship. As we keep saying: Make sure to take a look at yourself before deciding the real reasons you haven’t found love at the moment and stop blaming the external factors for five minutes.
12. You worry about commitment
The image of settling down, owning a house, having kids, and so on might make some of you cringe plus people refuse to settle down because they think that there’s someone better out there, that mythical soulmate that will have everything on the list and more. The truth is you might be more afraid of commitment than not finding the one who’s the whole package, oftentimes people who do this have unrealistic expectations and forget the real value of a relationship. For example a person might be always late but they genuinely care about you or their job isn’t impressive but they’ll go out of their way to make you happy and most of all you’re not going to be the whole package yourself so demanding that from someone else is only going to hurt your chances in the long run. Think for a bit about the reasons you don’t want commitment, maybe there’s something in your childhood affecting you or a past relationship that went wrong. Deal with the issue and then find a way to find love.
13. You are afraid of intimacy
When was the last time you had meaningful eye contact with someone? When was the last time you truly expressed your feelings to find love? We actually have to accept it into our lives and relationships don’t work out when you’re too afraid to do that. Very often people who have a fear of intimacy will be able to hide it by seeming upbeat all the time very strong or by staying busy non-stop, they also avoid meaningful interactions with people and they’re extremely picky. You might want to also figure out if you have avoidant styles of attachment. Attachment theory says that avoidant people have a hard time developing close relationships and generally want a lot of independence. The problem is that deep down they need love but most often won’t or cannot change their ways.
14. You are way too dependent
We all depend on each other it’s what makes friendship family or societies work, however, expecting someone to be your whole world or not being able to function without a partner can actually make people want to distance themselves from you, it’s not healthy to put all of that responsibility on one person no matter what love songs or rom-coms have told you. People who have attachment issues specifically an anxious attachment style tend to be very dependent on others, the biggest problem is that emotional dependence isn’t the same thing as love, and it’s important to acknowledge the issue before working on it, as we said earlier, there’s no one out there that will fully fill your existential void or that will meet all your expectations so depending on someone else to deal with everything you don’t want to deal with might leave you lonely and hurt in the end.
15. You have abandonment issues
We all know those people who would absolutely do anything to avoid being broken up with and while we’ll all do things to keep our loved ones in our lives that shouldn’t mean extreme behaviors such as controlling them or having a constant fear they might be cheating other, worrying signs include sabotaging your own relationships, expecting perfection from others, and getting attached way too soon, however, abandonment issues can be fixed and they’re also not your fault since they developed from different causes such as parents divorce or emotional and physical abuse. A sign you might be struggling with these issues may be a constant tendency to please others, be it your colleagues, your friends, and also feeling anxious when you think someone is upset with you, love and relationships are complicated and they depend a lot on compromise and effective communication. As a final thought make sure you take a look at yourselves first before blaming the outside world for being cruel and not granting you with the perfect soul mate you’re searching for and also remember to work on yourself constantly to improve.